Bhubaneswar

We caught the train from Berhampur to Bhubaneswar and saw the most amazing people at every train station. Orissa (the local state) has a large population of tribes people.

First stop was the museum where us and Bhubaneswar didn't get off on the right foot. Some arsehole kept trying to leave 30 minutes early so we had to keep barging doors down and turning on the lights, as Indian civil servants have no idea of what a customer is.

We had a lot to see and only one day to dedicate to the job as we couldn't possibly face any longer than this in a place of such monumental incompetence. This made a car and driver essential. We hired the Ambassador and Miss Daisy the driver and proceeded to crawl around the town and local countryside.

First stop is the Lingaraj Mandir which is a 50 temple complex nearly 1,000 years old. It is closed to non-Hindus so the stupid tourists are herded around to a viewing platform for todays scam number one (the bullshit donation book, the first of many that we will see today).

The main 54m high temple is pretty awesome (from a distance) and is bathed daily in a mix of water, milk and Bhang (Marijuana). Those crazy Hindus.

From a viewing platform above the temple we could see the amazing temples and more than the odd Saddhu showing the way to the promised land via his donation can.

We would have got him to read our tea leaves or palm, but someone had sent our missing 50 IQ points back last week so we skipped it.

Outside the temple were these enormous wheels left over from the Rath Yatra festival in Puri (our next stop). These enormous wheels are used to transport Jagganath (a black deity) to his summer temple for a week long vacation before changing his outfit and sending him back.

In years past, people would throw themselves under the wheels in order to die in view of the deity and thus obtain extra brownie points in later life... now they just seem to shit and throw their rubbish around these ones.

The Parsurameswar Mandir is nearly 1500 years old and features some buxom carvings... and the obligatory fat Brahmin following us around for a donation, so he can buy more rice and chapatis.

Getting templed out now... but they are amazing... and so is the persistence of those Brahmins.

Holy water that has run over Shivas lingum (phallus looking thing) comes out of the gargoyles mouth before congealing it into a disgusting cream ready for the faithful to drink it. We think this might give us the trots and would certainly sort out the men from the boys by who spits and who swallows this muck.

We were also told that women having trouble with fertility, should come here to drink the water, and they will have many babies.

The Vaital Mandir was the scene of this little erotic number. We were lucky enough to have a good scrap while we were here with one of the local Brahmins who claimed to own the temple and thus require a huge donation.

This is our last temple for the day as we are so sick of these so-called holy men fleecing tourists for donations when they are obviously the best fed people in town (fat bastards). The Caste system still shines in these holy places and we've had enough for one day.

Todays favourite religion does not begin with the letter H.

Next stop was the Kandagiri and Udaigiri caves.

Set on two hills facing each other they date to 100 BC. Most of them used to be ornately carved, and chiselled. Apparently, this was for Jain ascetics in the first century BC.

This is snake cave. Our driver tried to tell us it was Tiger cave. He has obviously never seen either in the wild.

These are the flowers that our "snake" taxi driver has given Claire as he continues to get weirder as the day goes on.

In order to fish for a tip he is attempting to be our guide by reading our own guide book in broken English as a slower rate than he drives.

The day started with a relaxing visit to Dhauli to see the original rock inscription made by Ashoka upon his conversion to Buddhism in the 3rd Century BC.

The peace pagoda (seen here), has been built by the Jappers so it has no need for a permanent scaffold and is less likely to fall down.

Apparently this signs means a school is approaching and thus we should drive slowly. Our driver wouldn't know this as he gets scared of going over 20 km/h... we think it looks more like a sign for angry teenagers or an army base (If there is any difference between the two).